the mind mirror game

There are so many facets of it. I hate some of the places I have put myself, the position of feeling helpless. I hate to see it in others, I hate to feel it, the discord around me, knowing that I can not change it. I am angry at them to some extent, because I doubt I can have children, and they have a beautiful child and they argue about who's turn it is to put up the baby gate, or change a diaper. She gets overwhelmed, it causes discord. I get angry because it isn't fair to put the child in the middle of it, what message is that sending her, and I feel helpless, like what could I do to make any difference. She doesn't need to be around that kind of senseless sorrow or anger, it isn't fair. I hate that I have developed the habit of taking on the emotions of others to such an extent that sometimes I disappear, as if my own self does not exist, only fades in and out. I try to blame my hormones, my weight, my self, God,but what good does it do to lay blame? It doesn't change where I am now, And where I am now isn't all terrible. I know I am capable of becoming much better, chipping away at all the sludge, getting back to my true self, till finally one day I will slip out and become illuminated. Here I am now. I am trying to accept things that I can not change.